March 12th

This Grudge is 4 years in the making...
he doesn't care,
i'm the only one being hurt now.
But for the life of me,
I'm just not strong enough to let go,
and let it be done.

Quote Of The Day
"i wanna be big and let go, of this grudge thats grown old...i wanna forgive for both of us."

Shambles

The Ground Shrank Away From The Concentrated Concrete,
The Black eternity whispered sweet poems,
Roof fell to shambles,
whitewashed by acid rain and sun.
Windowless panes stare at the field,
stretch of blue.
Grainy wood fallen back to nature.
the boundries between beauty and industry have collided.

Caught In Flame

Sometime this year i made a list of things to do before i die. In light of the coming year, i will make a new one. (But first..i'll post the old one...to compare how much i've changed.)
Old List
-Go To New Orleans, London, Budapest, and Tokyo
-Contribute to the cure for global aids and poverty
-get another piercing
-learn how to play guitar
-See the valley of the kings
-go skydiving
-get a tattoo
-Adopt A Baby From Korea
-Graduate From College
-Vote In The Next Election
-Learn To Cook
-Stop fearing large crowds

New List
-Go backpacking in Egypt
-Get Into University of Pennsylvania (Art and Archaeology of the Mediteranean world)
-Try More Ethnic Foods
-Teach myself hieroglyphics
-go skydiving
-Adopt A Baby From Korea
-Make a contribution to global aids, poverty, and discrimination
-go to london, budapest, tokyo, cambodia, congo, and romania.
-Vote in the next presidential election (and ALL other elections for that matter)
-Fight for pro-choice campaigns in America (isn't that what we were promised when the country was founded?)

thats all i can think of so far....i'm sure i'll add as i go.


Quote of the Day:
"when you are dying, your life does not flash before your eyes. At least mine didn't. That means that i have to pay attention to everything that happens to me from now on, because i only get to see it once. Several interesting things have happened to me lately. i will try to remember them....
when you die and then come back, the people who are there when you wake up are the people who love you. And that is why i am miserable. Because they are the people i hurt the most."
-Sweetblood

The Hollow

Its nearly 11:00 by the time i wake up today. Seether is repeating over and over again on my stereo, but its so low that you can only hear it in complete silence. I lay, completely still, trying to listen to Shaun Morgan talk about the sameness of everything. I don't agree today, although i was completely blown away by these ideals at some point in the past. After nearly an hour of stillness in a half-conscious state I get up and log onto my computer. My cat is snoring in a chair behind me, but i'm afraid to disturb her. If I do, she may notice the squirrel that has been staring into my bedroom from the window for the past 15 minues. Its amazing...the difference between our worlds. I try to see the creatures eyes. Do i detect jealousy? Hunger? Cold? No...just fear for its safety from the barbaric best sitting at the keyboard through the other side of the looking glass. We are Parallel...this creature and I. We could watch each other's existance forever...but we will never cross. Because as hard as each of us try to cohabitate...My culture is eating away at his.Finally fear wins over the small creature, and he scuttles away. If he had stayed outside MY window for a few more minutes...i may have given him a name. Another example of our assumed dominance over everything. Forget that, in case of a horrible storm...his chances of survival are better than mine, because my food comes in colored packages ready to eat, and his he actually knows how to work for. I wonder who looks at dominance and intelligence and decides what is what and who its awarded to.
There is a phone next to me...it has taunted me for the last hour; because there is someone i want to call. I want my little piece of plastic to contact another piece a sub-town away. But instead of me picking up the phone and creating this transaction, it rings. A signal that elsewere, someone is trying to commit the same connection i do. Except this call is not for me. So i press end and stop the dull grating sound. I can hear a fainter dull sound echoing elsewere in the house. Apparently, no one else wants this phone call either. We allow the ringing to die. No one knows what this ignored phone call has done to the caller...whether they are relieved their duty call was not answered, or desperate for an answer and upon recieving none they have gone crazy.
The phone has been quiet for awhile now. Everyone knows we are not picking up, so no one will call. I know it will be the same when i call who i want to...because it is the day after a holiday and no one wants to be bothered. I am, however, going insane in my own head from staring at a computer screen for hours...researching and uninstalling a video game i'll rarely play. Because i don't have the patience for that particular fake world. Maybe i don't like the idea of travelling some creator's maze of plots and subplots while trying to beat it's system by winning. Funny how technology can resemble a few aspects of life.
This newest realization has honestly depressed me. So instead of reading the last paragraph i will stare out my bedroom window. It is cold looking outside. But as i have not thrust my hand out my window...i have no idea whether or not its true. I'm checking my rooftop for a hopful sign of rain, some indication that it is peaceful out. But no moisture graces the cement on the ground. The squirrel is still gone...perhaps staring into the window of a more interesting person. My cat hasn't awoken through any of this...she continues to sleep as if there is nothing she will miss. The phone still hasn't rung...and i will not make a phone call.